You are a Christian with a broken heart because you don’t know where to start. You are consistently seeking Christian marriage help to restore your marriage. You miss your partner so much, and you have been seeking help from God to restore your home.
To you, It doesn’t matter what the reason or origin of your problem is, you are willing to love as God will want you to, so that you can move your relationship forward. You have a strong belief that there is no damage or past that the Lord cannot restore, and he can do more than you think, ask or imagine.
So you hold on to hope and seek help because you believe you and your spouse are soul mates, destined to be together. And right now you’re willing to do whatever it takes to repair what has been broken in your relationship, you are seeking Christian marriage help, to strengthen the love you once had.
If this is you, I will like to share 5 steps you can start taking today to restore your marriage relationship. But before we go further, it is important to know that the true responsibility for marriage is for 2 people to fulfill a mandate from God, to be fruitful, multiply and have dominion.
This means you and your spouse must work together to achieve this, you must agree before you can work together. I believe, with the power of God, any relationship can be restored, but it will take a lot of work on both sides.
It does require though that one person take the lead. I believe that you and I have been given a greater strength of influence, this is why if you have the right tools and strategy, you can change the direction of your marriage relationship.
Let’s talk about the steps you can use to improve your relationship.
Invest in yourself
It is natural for a lot of people not to consider themselves at all, when thinking about what to improve. You will never think about working on yourself, except someone else brings your attention to it.
One of the discoveries that I have made is, when you start improving yourself from the inside out, you will soon realize that you have so much already, and there are so many strengths and positives in your life that you may have lost sight of.
A major reason for worry and anxiety in life is caused often by focusing on things that are not working or when we focus on our weaknesses. I can assure you that when you take time out to remind yourself of who you are or what you have achieved so far, you may remember your values, and the reason why you married your spouse in the first place.
This inner realization will ignite an outward confidence that will be easily seen or recognized by a spouse. Suddenly it will feel to them that they remember why you are a couple in the first place. Isn’t this why we practice thanksgiving, a time when we can reflect and thank God for his blessings over our lives.
My point here is, before seeking elsewhere for Christian marriage help, focus on your internal person, by putting more attention on yourself. Do the things that you used to love doing, focus your energy on positive things that bring you joy, peace and excitement.
I remember years ago when I found myself in a struggling relationship, I started investing in myself. I will go to the gym and every time I exercise, I will feel really good. It’s like the brain fog in my brain suddenly vanishes. So this ledd me to continue putting myself out there.
I did other things like joining social learning groups like the toastmasters to improve my public speaking and communication skills. I started focusing on what I would rather love to do in the long term. I joined other clubs like the Kiwanis club and meetups.
Although this wasn’t easy for me, but I was determined and certain that God’s plan and promises for me is true. Then something surprisingly happened, I started feeling better because I had started making new friends that saw so much value in me and encouraged me to do the things I wanted to do and to strive for the person I believe I could become. Guess what? This was very important for me. And so is it to you.
I took up hobbies like Zumba dance and swimming. It felt so good putting myself out there, doing things that gave me joy and peace. Suddenly the stress in my life reduced and I felt more in control. Even though I am an introvert, I discovered that I had a social life.
I no longer felt lonely or wondering who to talk to. I had friends I was praying with and visiting. I also changed my church and started creating new relationships, as I felt that most of the old relationships were stale or cannot move me to where I wanted to be.
If there is anything you enjoy, this is a great time to step into it. Just like me, you may have pushed these activities aside because you felt you had no time or money. When you start investing in yourself, you are opening up yourself to receive help for your marriage
Yours could be a skill or a goal that you have always wanted to achieve. I have always wanted to improve my sewing skill, so I bought a sewing machine to help me do that. I also started journaling to help guide my thoughts and see the patterns in my life.
Develop Patience
There is a popular quote that says, “Rome was not built in a day.” You see, that quote is right, because, it does take time to see a turnaround for anything that you seek.
In the meantime, while you wait for your marriage to receive help, think and reflect on the things that may not be working in your relationship. What are the things that you do, or what are the things your spouse engages in that are not growing your relationship?
No matter how good or bad you or your spouse is, a failed relationship is always created by the 2 people involved. There are some changes you and your spouse will need to make. So, what I realized is, when you spend time out, to think and reflect you will uncover some hidden truths. Likely you will figure out your passion and find something that you want to spend the rest of your life doing.
- What are the things you need to stop doing to achieve the results you want?
- What are the things you need to start doing to improve your relationship?
- Whta are the things you wish you had the time and resources to do?
For me, I realized that I needed to stop seeing my spouse as incapable of earning more and I started communicating my thoughts to let him know how I feel about his attitude in helping out more in the home. Certainly, this was tough, but over time, my confidence increased and my inner motivation grew. I was self-motivated to be all that I could be.
It takes 2 to make a marriage work, so this is why you need to learn how to develop patience. It may take a while for your partner to come around, you have to continue giving love.
When you are stuck in not having the strength to keep going or to wait, remember you have a spirit within you that can help you with wisdom. It was during this time in my journey that I learned how God’s spirit in me could help with understanding my true ability.
It was difficult for me to give more than I was already giving, but that was what my mind was leading me to do. During this time, I started growing my inner strength and increasing my knowledge and understanding of who God says I am.
I knew at some point there had to be a balance or compromise, as my natural self, kept reminding me that “it is not fair” why should I be the only one doing the giving. But the more I thought like that, the more I think about the statement “perfect love cast out fear, and fear is false expectation appearing real” in my heart.
I was striving towards perfect love, To love my spouse just as I loved myself would mean I am giving my all so that I don’t have anything else to give. This was the hardest thing I had ever done.
Before we received help for our marriage, my husband and I will always start out with disagreement, but after investing in myself and developing patience, we gradually moved on to agree on certain things.
We started praying together again (after not doing so for a while), gradually we both felt comfortable sharing our opinions with one another. We started doing so many things that we never did in the past. As a Christian this was the marriage help, I was looking for.
My spouse started taking more actions towards his role and responsibilities in the home, and the tension and resentment reduced drastically. We both started taking the necessary actions. The peace in our home and relationship started increasing.
As our communication increased, we were able to set routines and strengthen habits that will make our family better. We both agreed on focusing on each other’s strengths and not our weaknesses, and we did this by distributing responsibilities in the home based on individual strengths. It took patience and letting go of our past. We both believed that the future has so much more to offer.
You too have to let go of the past and focus on the future, you cannot change what has happened, but you can stop what you don’t want to happen from ever happening. Looking back to the past keeps you behind and as you develop patience, one thing you will learn is, you need the patience to let go of the past.
Yes, I agree that there are differences, there are wrongs that you want to right in your relationship so badly, at the same time, remember that perfect love cast out fear. My definition of “perfect love” like I said earlier is giving 90% of love and expecting only 5% from your partner.
This is what eventually builds trust, which is the bridge through which you will travel to your destiny. Don’t think you will have to do this all by yourself, this is a great opportunity to tap on the strength of the spirit.
Evaluate or create a Family Vision?
Assuming steps one and two go on well as planned, then the next step will be to create a family vision by asking the question, Where are we going as a family? Is our current direction leading to where we’re headed?
When it comes to a family purpose or vision, everyone’s opinion is valuable, including you, your spouse and your children, every one of you have a part and responsibility to play in building your family up.
It is not possible to restore your marriage relationship when it is only one partner’s vision that is pursued. You and your spouse must agree to move forward together by creating a family vision, a vision that encaptures “all” visions.
This was initially difficult for me because of the culture where I come from, as it seemed that there was already a way of doing things. There was a definition of how a Christian family should direct their lives.
I personally think that when you evaluate your family vision, you’ll recognize the direction your family is headed. Evaluation helps you identify what needs to change, and when you know this, you are able to talk about this and renew your mind if needed to create what you want.
After Johnson and I evaluated our family vision, we had to change our mindset and form new habits that will lead us to where we really wanted to go. I want you to know that It is ok to make a fresh start.
Think about it as a new beginning for your marriage journey. After all, many of us got married based on wrong information. When I coach people, I observe that there are still some people out there that think that when they get married, it is the responsibility of your spouse to make them happy.
I believe that my spouse is my best friend because he brings out the best in me. After identifying my family vision, I had to change some of my attitudes that did not align with what I wanted to create. I wanted to build a kingdom life and family, so I had to choose to follow God’s original plan for my marriage. Which mainly stood on one principle, “the two shall be one”
I could no longer do my own thing, I needed to work with my spouse, to build a future together. And to do this we had to communicate and listen to one another. Communicating efficiently was our biggest struggle, it was difficult to start a conversation after all that had happened in the past.
But we both agreed to be open with our thoughts and feelings regardless of how it made us feel, because it was no longer about me or my spouse, but about our pre-destined family from God.
You can only get to this conclusion when you have taken out time to evaluate your vision. With a family vision, both you and your spouse have a stake in the relationship. You both have mutual benefits that will continually keep you internally motivated to go on.
Like the great quote by Theodore Roosevelt “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
With a family vision, you are able to strategically figure out goals and targets that every member of your family needs to work towards. A clear written vision is a Christian marriage helper for you and your loved ones to tackle responsibilities that work for your marriage relationship.
Find Your Life Ambition
Next, it’s time to find something that moves you. something that comes from within you. When you are able to answer these two questions, you would have an idea of your life ambition. So ask yourself, What drives me? What do I want so badly in life?
Very recently, I have been concerned about a set of people I think are “Laid Back”. These people have no ambition in life, so nothing really drives them. Their goal in life is just to survive, and so what you see them do is the norm. They never try anything new, they never go the extra mile.
If you have nothing to look up to, then you have nothing to drive you. And if you are this person and you are married to someone that is driven to succeed, there is always an “I don’t love you anymore breakup” that is coming up, not because you are not good, but because your partner does not find you motivating.
And the funny thing is, you wouldn’t see it coming and you would not understand why your spouse doesn’t love you anymore. But the truth is, it is because you don’t motivate or drive them, and you don’t because you have no ambition.
This condition you find yourself in, might not be your fault, it might have been because of the way you were brought up, or the environment where you grew up. Nonetheless, you have to learn to be more confident, by thinking for yourself and stepping into your life conviction.
Everyone should have a drive or a purpose that makes you stay awake at night. You should have an inner motivation to become someone more and to increase your potential. This inner conviction begins with believing that you were created to make an impact.
So, you will be pushing yourself, mostly outside your comfort zone. And when you’re doing this, you will be motivating your spouse to step out of their comfort zone too.
Everybody remembers that teacher, that coach, or that adult that pushed them outside their comfort zone. Especially when the push led to a great accomplishment. Most times the push you need comes in a form of a statement or a question.
So choose to get clarity on your why, by answering this question “How do you want to make a difference in this world?”
Find something that will keep you moving without being told.
Do the work
We’ve talked about your need to develop patience if you want to restore your marriage. Sometimes I worry that we have a new generation of people that want quick fixes because they do not understand the strategy of stackability.
The next and final step to restore your marriage is to do the work. You see, life is not a game of luck, instead, a successful life follows a principle of seedtime and harvest. This means that what you sow is what you will reap.
A farmer knows that he has to take care of the seed, by providing the needed nourishment before he can see the harvest or the fruit he wants. You must be committed to your restoration before you can see the result you’re seeking for your marriage.
Commitment is what you do in the now, the love and care and actions that you take, whether your spouse is watching you or not, you know deep down in your heart that God sees you and will reward you accordingly. Then the question to guide you is, how committed am I to my relationship?
No matter how good the marriage help you receive, the transformation will only happen through discipline.
You keep doing what you need to do, even when it feels uncomfortable. It is the little and simple things that you do and say that suddenly get’s your spouse’s attention. Over time when you continue practicing the right things, it becomes a part of you.
Suddenly you will gradually become a changed person that your spouse will love to associate with. Some of the simple things you could do will be complementing your spouse and speaking their love language such as (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch).
I always felt loved and cared for whenever I received a hug from my spouse, or a text message during the cause of my day, telling me he is thinking of me. I also have learned to reciprocate love in my husband’s love language. Holding hands, and getting things done that needed to be done.
What makes you feel loved? How do you want your spouse to express love to you? Maybe you are the kind of couple that enjoys taking walks together and spending quality time. Stick to the habits that will keep you closer.
Even when you have not been doing it before, start a new habit, begin new things that will strengthen your relationship. Start slow, don’t expect a lot from each other at the beginning. You will build your momentum gradually.
You don’t need to continue with a broken heart. It is possible to restore your marriage. Most of the time, couples who want to save their marriages go through counseling or attend marriage retreats. While these may be helpful in some cases, there is no guarantee that they will work for you.
In this article, I covered the 5 steps my husband and I implemented into our lives that is helping us build everything we have today. I pray for you today and ask that God will restore your home as you take the needed steps. I encourage you to make some effort on your problem now and not put it off until later.